Where I Can't Follow
by weirdgirl42
Summary: Inspired by a tumblr post and the line from the Lord of the Rings. When Coulson's brain starts to fail, May realizes she can't always have his back. Part of the Unfamiliarly Perfect Series. Established Philinda.


_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. _

_Inspired by: post/91692291708/ssv-normandy-step-1-think-about-the-quote _

**Where I Can't Follow**

She had his back. That fact was never in question. May remembers the first time she met him. When he'd smiled at her and told her their first mission would begin the next day, she knew that she would do whatever she could to prove that she was the best agent he'd ever trained. Two days later when he'd diffused a possibly nuclear situation through dialogue and sarcasm, she knew that she would follow him anywhere. Long after he was no longer her SO, it was understood by everyone from Level One agents to Director Fury that May had Coulson's back. They were a team.

Bahrain changed everything. She'd get a call every once in a while. He'd check in, they would go to a bar and she would sit while he told her story after story. His voice would wash over her and make her feel safe. If he noticed how withdrawn she was, he never let it change the way he looked at her. She couldn't go back into the field. She'd have to trust that someone else would help to keep him safe. But that didn't mean she didn't still have his back. She followed his case reports, made sure he always had the support staff and equipment he needed. If he knew that it was her he never let on.

There was only one time in the 25 years she'd known him that she didn't have his back. She wasn't there on the helicarrier. She wasn't there to protect him from Loki. She wasn't there to stop the doctors from torturing him. And truth be told, when he was dead, she wasn't really anywhere at all.

When Fury told her that he'd survived, when the director asked her to protect Coulson by lying to him, May swore there would never be a time when she wouldn't have his back. She'd follow Fury's orders, but only because they fell in line with her own.

All these memories swam through her head as she watched Coulson lying in a hospital bed. He'd collapsed nearly six hours ago and May had been standing in the same spot since Simmons first administered the sedative and his eyes rolled back in his head.

It had been nearly a year since that night Skye caught him drawing on the walls. Since May had laid by his side and promised they would figure it out. His symptoms had been up and down. Long stretches of totally normalcy followed by hypergraphia and intense pain. He'd still shown no signs of actual psychosis but sometimes May swore it seemed like his brain was trying to burst out of his skull. He would sob in agony and there was nothing she could do but hold him until the pain passed.

Simmons had been told not long after the pain started. She had been diligently looking for a solution ever since. Between that and helping Fitz regain full control of his speech May wasn't sure when the young woman ever slept. Skye was helping as well, spending all of her free time scouring reports and the deep web, looking for anything that might help. So far she'd yet to show any symptoms at all but May knew she wasn't hopeful it would last.

Six hours ago Coulson and May had been meeting with Trip and Billy, discussing a possible lead on the whereabouts of a SHIELD stronghold that may have escaped Hydra's notice. All of a sudden Coulson's hands flew to his temples and he groaned in pain. May was at his side in an instant, keeping him from hitting the floor as he collapsed. She and Trip had carried him to the infirmary and May now stood staring at his face, keeping track of the monitors in her peripheral vision.

Fitz, Simmons, and Skye were in the next room and May could vaguely hear their muffled voices. She knew they were discussing possible options. The machines began to make new sounds and May saw that Coulson's eyes were opening.

"Mel," he said, his unfocused eyes scanning the room for her.

"I'm here," she said, moving to sit beside him on the bed. With one hand she entwined their fingers and with the other she gently smoothed back his hair, a motion she knew he loved. "Does it still hurt?"

"No," he replied. "But something's wrong. I can…I can see things. Things I know aren't real. I can see time and space and the universe but it's…it's not…" He closed his eyes tightly.

May continued to stroke his hair.

"It has to be you Mel," he said. "When I'm gone. You have to take the box. Keep fighting."

"Don't talk like that," May replied, her voice clipped and stern.

Coulson shook his head, ignoring her words. "SHIELD's ours Mel. Fury gave me the box but it's always been you and me. So without me it has to be you."

"SHIELD is ours," May agreed. "And I'm not doing it without you."

"I'm sorry," he said, the words coming out as almost a sob. "I shouldn't have…I should never…you deserve so much more."

May leaned forward and kissed his brow before pressing her forehead against his. "I love you," she whispered. "Never be sorry."

Coulson nodded and sank back into the pillows. "Don't leave," he whispered before falling asleep again.

May lay down next to him, not caring that everyone could see. "Never," she said against his temple. "I've got your back."

XXXXXXXXXX

It was an insane plan.

"What you're suggesting," Simmons said, "is completely mad. We can't just switch him off and then switch him back on again."

"Why not?" Trip asked. "You said it yourself. The problem is that his brain is working too hard. Firing on too many cylinders. If we stop all the firing then maybe it'll just…"

"Reboot itself," Skye finished.

"He's not a computer Skye," Simmons argued.

"You think I don't know that?"

The room fell into silence.

"If we don't try this, will he die?" May said at last, not taking her eyes off Coulson who was lying unconscious in the next room. He had slipped into a coma an hour ago and showed no signs of waking.

Trip, Fitz, and Skye all turned to Simmons. "Yes," she said, doing her best to keep the tears at bay.

"Then there isn't a choice."

Everyone nodded. The decision was made. They all knew it had really been May's decision all along. With Coulson still unconscious, she was in charge.

"If we're going to do this," Simmons said, "then we'll need a way to feed some sort of modified EM pulse directly into his brain."

"Can't we just use that fake hand buzzer?" Trip asked.

"Didn't you ever notice how our brains don't shut down when we use it?" Simmons asked. "A regular EMP isn't going to work. We need a localized, highly concentrated shock."

May tuned them out, moving back into Coulson's hospital room and taking his hand. It was surreal seeing him so still, so quiet. Even when he slept it seemed like a part of him was always moving, even if it was just his eyes under the lids. And even when he slept he was never this quiet. She told him constantly that he talked too much, for the past year when she said the words it was usually because she thought his mouth had better things to do in that moment.

Now, she'd give anything to hear him speak.

An hour passed and the four younger members of the team came into the room. Simmons was carrying something that looked like headphones. She and Fitz gave a back and forth explanation of how the device would send a burst of EM pulse into Coulson's brain and then after a moment would send another burst of electricity. May simply nodded and let Simmons arrange the device on Coulson's head.

"Wait," May said before Simmons could start pressing the control buttons. Simmons seemed to understand and took a step back. May reached out and put her hand over the scar on Coulson's chest. She felt his heart beating, too slowly but it was beating. Trip, Skye, Simmons, and Fitz all knew they should turn away, that this moment was somehow too personal to be witnessed, but none of them could tear their eyes away. After a minute May turned back and nodded, moving to stand on the other side of the bed.

Simmons took a deep breath, glanced quickly at the team, and then flipped the switch. The monitors immediately went flat and Coulson seemed to almost deflate. Then Simmons hit another button and Coulson arched off the bed, the monitors beeping wildly.

His body began to convulse. For nearly a minute he shook and nothing they did seemed to help at all. Fitz was screaming at Simmons to shut it off and Simmons cried back that she had. Tears ran down Skye's face and Trip had to hold her back so she wouldn't crowd the bed. And then all of a sudden everything went still. The monitors stopped beeping and his head rolled to one side.

"Phil!" May cried, moving close to grab his hand, her face inches from his.

Simmons immediately began CPR, Skye was sobbing into Trip's shoulder and Fitz had slid down against the door until he was sitting with his knees pulled up to his chest.

Tears were streaming down May's cheeks. It was the first time she had cried since the day Fury had told her Coulson was alive. "Phil please," she whispered. "You have to stay. I've got your back but you have to stay."

May felt Simmons stop giving chest compressions. Coulson's body was still. She pressed her forehead against his. "Stay here, Phil," she whispered, closing her eyes. "Don't go where I can't follow."

She heard a massive gasp and felt Coulson's chest expand. Her eyes opened and she found him staring back at her. The rest of the team swarmed the bed and May backed away, trying to pull herself together. Simmons was checking everything, but Coulson's eyes never left May.

What seemed like hours later Simmons finally decided there was nothing more they could do now but wait and see if Coulson's symptoms returned. At present his brain activity was normal. May stood to one side as each member of the team took a turn welcoming him back to the land of the living.

First Trip gave Coulson's fist a gentle pound. "Glad to have you back Boss."

Next Fitz, his eyes still damp, scuffed his shoe against the floor and muttered something about knowing Coulson would come through. Coulson smiled and managed to rasp a thank you, pointing at the headphone gizmo he knew Fitz had designed. Fitz beamed at the praise and May couldn't help but thank the universe that the young man's mind hadn't been taken by the sea.

Simmons checked all his IVs and electrodes one last time, her hands puttering around him until he reached out and took one, smiling up at her in thanks. Simmons leaned down and kissed his cheek. "We'd hate to lose you Sir."

Then it was May and Skye left in the room. Skye was bouncing between her feet, obviously trying to get her emotions under control. Coulson reached a hand out to her and Skye grasped it tightly, finally coming over to the bed and resting her head on his chest, hugging him the best she could. "You can't do this to us again AC," she said.

"Try not," Coulson replied, patting her head. Skye held on to him for a moment longer before straightening up and squeezing May's hand as she left the room.

Finally, May and Coulson were alone. "Are you angry?" May asked.

Coulson looked at her utterly confused. "About what?" he rasped.

"I made them save you. We didn't have any idea if it would work and I know that after TAHITI you didn't want…I know how you feel about experiments."

Coulson sighed and pointed over at the EMP device. "Alien?" he asked.

May shook her head.

Coulson smiled. "Then fine. New rule. Not alien, then fine."

A chuckled escaped from May and she moved over to the bed. Coulson shifted slightly so that she could climb up next to him. She could feel all the tension leave his body as he laid his head against her chest. She ran her hand through his hair and felt his breathing start to even out. She thought he'd fallen asleep but his voice drifted over her.

"I don't ever want to be where you can't follow."

May smiled and moved even closer to him if it was possible. "Then sleep," she said. "I'm right here."

**The End**

_Thanks for reading, please review._


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